I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
did i just pee glitter
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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