Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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