you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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