just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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