I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
