my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
