My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
