just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
