I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
