I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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