You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
