alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
