oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you traded sex for a burrito?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
