And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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