Welp...herpes.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
