Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
