If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
