i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
