he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
