Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
