I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
