I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
