I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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