The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
