Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
