thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
