I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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