So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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