remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
