Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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