my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
