bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
