There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
