it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Randomize
