You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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