i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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