i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
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