I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
