like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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