Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
