Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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