lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
