I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
two words...techno handjob
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
