I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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