I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
