I am puke
Ketchup is God's man juice
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
