woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We're too hungover to prance.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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