I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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