You can't motorboat a personality
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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