A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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