peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Randomize
