Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
